yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
