I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
