ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
