You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
