you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
