Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
