What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
