Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
