i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
