Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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