do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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