I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
