Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
