A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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