i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The adults are the big ones right?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
