oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
