god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
