I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
