i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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