He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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