I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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