Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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