the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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