dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
