Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
