I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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