Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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