she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
