everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
