God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Where is the hickey?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
