ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
