i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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