Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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