I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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