The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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