You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
