I'm so fucking centered right now
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How does one acquire holy water?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
