a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
