it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
