WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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