Everything about him screamed your future.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize