he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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