Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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