just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
