i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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