we have pet lesbian snakes
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
