Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
