Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
