Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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