You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
