Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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