I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
