i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
