someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
