nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
