You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
