I just threw up on my dentist
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
