Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
