woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
