did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize