i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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