I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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